I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
