I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
