It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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