I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
