I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
