Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
