She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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