My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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