Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
