You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize