My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
