Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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