I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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