So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
