I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
