I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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