Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
