Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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