Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
