if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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