if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
