My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
