i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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