ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
