just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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