the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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