I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
