I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
