first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
