i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Come see our sink grown plant.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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