Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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