she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
