This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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