Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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