My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
