forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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