Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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