He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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