I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I checked into jail on foursquare
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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