There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
