So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
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I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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