We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
