I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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