I want to walk on stilts...naked
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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