My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
