The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
