WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
