I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
