I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
