I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
